One FLOPoccino please

The application of all the things I've learned from my theatre organization were blocked by a sudden disorder of my nervous system. Every part of my body was cold and shaking, I can't feel the tip of my fingers anymore, I can't perform the things that i have to do, I can't think!

In short, I was a flop!


We went to Makati 2 days ago to meet with the DDB people (ad agency) about a skit we'll be doing in a product launch that they are going to produce . Luckily, I was chosen by our artistic director to participate in the said event. So there we are (the chosen ones), all relaxed and excited, looking forward to the talent fee they are going to give us, until...

Pucha, audition palang pala ito!

Everyone started panicking...

I hate auditioning, it's the scariest thing to do! If I knew right from the start that this would be an audition, I never would've come.

But it's too late, the only thing to do then was to audition and just get it over with!

So I went in to the conference room, went in front of the people in charged to judge me, with matching video cam to record my every lame move, and did the FLOPiest thing a girl like me could ever do.

It was surely an experience I'll never forget...

Now 2 days later it hit me, I've realized that life isn't really easy. Not everything is served on a silver platter, you just can't get things easily, you have to suffer before you succeed, you have to fail to learn how to win, and you should never let your fear take over you (So that took me two days huh).

There is really a difference between knowing things, and learning them...

I was a loser on this one(that's for sure), but look at the bright side, experience din ito na mapaghuhugutan ko ng lakas sa mga susunod kong mga pagsubok.


Cheka! Just making every experience, no matter how great or lame it is, educational!

Liver, Memory Lapses, and The Da Vinci code

The results were negative!

Thank goodness I don't have hepatitis. It turns out that I was already vaccinated of anti hepa churva when I was a kid, kaya malabo-labo na kong magkaroon nun. Although I'm not ill, my fatty liver still needs to be aided for a month, So that includes loosing weight and taking liver suppliments for me (sana magawa ko na ang pag-dadiet ngayon or else). As for smoking, I can now live a day without it, although there are still urges, the addiction to nicotine has lessened compared before (tuloy-tuloy na sana ang pagiging social-smoker ko, hehe).


I've been experiencing memory lapses lately...

I've read that these memory lapses are normal to old people, and as far as i can remember, hindi pa ko gurang.

My late grandfather died of Alzheimer's Disease, I used to think that my brother might inherit it since he thinks a lot and all (does that make any sense?), but now I'm thinking that maybe I might get it, but I'm still young, it's too damn early!

I guess walking into a room and can't remember why you went there, or keeping on thinking about something so you wouldn't forget it but still forget it, are normal to most people. But it's better to take precautions before things get worse, so my mom and I decided that I should take a Neuro test one of these days.

Napapalagi na ko sa medical city, hehehe!


Napanood ko na rin ang THE DA VINCI CODE.

The movie has its flaws(I don't want to start) pero hindi naman siya panget. I'm not really that disapointed like the others, I know right from the start that book adaptations can never be 100% like the book, but just serve as a perception of some people in how they see the book, I respect the da vinci code movie makers' interpretation of the book, it was good (not great, but good). Pero siguro, kung hindi ko narinig ung mga criticisms ng mga tao sa movie na ito before ko siya panoorin, mas magagandahan ako siguro.

The problem with films adapted from books is that it bounds our perception to the book, unlike when we read the book, our imagination sets no boundaries in how we perceive the story visually. We can also understand the story better in books because we can take our time comprehending the story and can always read the previous pages again if we can't put a finger on something (duh, everybody knows that!). Wala lang, bida-bida lang!


So that's just about it,

Just udpdating myself to what has been happening to me lately...

till next entry...

A PROBABLE BOULDER IN THE LIVER (REVISED)

"We suffer, not to succumb, but to survive."- TWM . . . have ot keep that in mind!

I just had a stick of yosi and a 20-peso worth of chuckie chocolate milk, Oo tama! chuckie nalang ang tinotoma ko ngayon at hindi na alcohol, at alam kong mabibitin ako sa isang stick ng yosi pero nagyosi parin ako(kaysa wla akong mahithit diba?).

Yosi at Chuckie, ang mga nakasama ko sa aking pag-iisa sa likod ng aming bahay kani-kanina, ang mga elemento na magbibigay sakin ng panandaliang tama at limot.

I was told by my doctor to quit smoking(malamang, alam mo namang sabihin niya na pagpatuloy ko!), and to avoid drinking as well(hanggat sa maari). Wala pa naman akong bronchitis or anyhting, Ok pa naman daw ang baga ko at sa 30's pa daw baka maghihiganti ang katawan ko, pero ang atay ko ay mukhang uma-advance na.

I had some of my blood sucked out from my body again to check if I have hepa or something, I 'm not so sure, basta about sa liver, bat naman kasi ang poga ng sulat ng mga doktor eh, hindi ko tuloy mabasa yung pinagsusulat niya. Ganito kasi nangyari...

Chever... chever... chever

Dok:(Tinitignan ang results ko)Umiinom ka ba?
Me: Opo
Dok: How often?
Me: Ahm, pag may inuman?
Dok: Gaano kadalas?
Me: Atleast once a month po siguro...
Dok: Bawasan yan ah
Me: Ok(Cheka!)
Dok: Na-vaccinate ka na ba sa hepa?
Me: Di ko po maalala eh.

Si dok ay kumuha ng white na papel at may sinulat dito

Dok:(Binigay sakin ang papel) Bigay mo ito dun sa babae sa front desk at balik ka ng friday next week para matignan ko ang results
Me:Ano pong gagawin?

Si Dok ay kumuha nanaman ng papel, blue naman ang kulay, at may sinulat uli

Dok: (Binigay sakin ang papel)Oh pabili mo ito, take mo ito three times a day for a month, supplement ng liver yan
Me: Ahm...
Dok: Sige kita nalang tayo next week!

Ako ay pumunta na ng front desk at binigay ang white na papel

Chever... chever... chever

Girl sa front desk: Sige punta ka nalang ng laboratory at kukunan ka ng dugo!

So ganun, Ok naman ang process ng pag kuha ng dugo sakin, cute ung med tech eh, alam niyang cute siya kaya mas pacute siya, lahat yata ng patients niya nilalandi niya, at isa na ko dun (feeling ko).


Totoo pla yung mga sinasabi ng mga tao na it really feels odd pag nalaman mo na pwedeng may sakit ka, na parang feeling mo end of the world, na worried ka na baka you can't do the things that you usually do anymore. I know I'm not yet sure if I'm really ill, but the thought of it makes me depress (malamang).

Oh well, let's just wait for the results...



P.S. Since everything is starting to get scary and all, I'm now determined to quit smoking. My plan is paisa-isang stick muna, hanggang sa tuwing inuman nalang, hanggang sa super rare situations nalang. And sa inuman naman, super dalang talaga muna, J-mee the malaking kaha will be absent at minor drinking sessions until furhter notice. O diba, super!


Just when the sun is trying to rise after a long darkness
Here come the clouds again
Overshadowing every iluminated surface
Until all that is left is just a single hope
for brightness to return again

ANOTHER POST TO MAKE ME MOVE

You're probably tired of reading posts in my blog containing words that might motivate me to outgrow this idleness phase I'm experiencing, but I'm still not going to stop, not unless i find something else to blab about(Feeling ko naman may nagbabasa nito).

I've found out that most people are into soul searching these days, or in my case, trying to have the urge to soul search.

So when will I start searching for that soul that I so lack of? Hmmm, that will take time(for me), but I guess my urge to start get going with my life(you know, avoiding being slothful, do something for crying out loud) is becoming evident now. The other day, my brother has noticed that I resumed dieting(may verb ba yun?) that morning, but funny that I ate dinner twice that same night(may progress na diba?haha).

So I suppose nothing much has changed yet, but I know that sooner or later, changes will be visible... kahit yung katamaran ko lang at procrastination ang mabawasan muna!

Now let's have a tiny talk about Identity crisis(since konektado naman)...

A blockmate of mine wrote in her blog(Naku, huli ako!) that this identity crisis or the uncertainty feeling to one's self is maybe a part of a person’'s coping mechanism with maturity, we are both not sure if that's a fact but I guess it's possible(oh my god, nag-mamature na ko?), kasi this uncertainty feeling made you think or realize that something is wrong(you're starting to think, that's being mature?).

Ang masasabi ko lang ay so ok, It's great that one has found out that there is a big puzzle inside of her that has pieces missing and needs to be figured out later, but nobody should just stop there, everybody has to outgrow this identity crisis, take action to refrain from being stuck to that phase(like what happened to me). Knowing is one thing, doing something is another(Ang daling sabihin ha).

So how do we outlive this identity crisis, how do we find out our personal legend, how do we make ourselves? ABA, EWAN KO! Pero I guess, we should have the urge to do it first, and the rest of the problem should be figured out by ourselves as we embark on that futile soul searching... think, explore, move! It will not be easy that's for sure(everybody knows that, and of all people eh ako pa nagsasabi nito)...

and as for me, first...

"wiggle your big toe!"


O sige na... hindi ko alam sinasabi ko...

THIS GUSTER SONG

My Bro made me listen to a song of the band GUSTER entitled, "demons", but that's not the lyrics of the song I'm going to post here. Since i started to like "demons", I began to search for other songs of Guster that might be my next favorite song, and I found this...

"Two Points For Honesty"

If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind
Two points for honesty
It must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all

I want to be where I've never been before
I want to be there and then I'd understand
Know I'm right and do it right, could I get to be like that
I'll know what I don't know with nothin more to gain

Will I get better or stay the same
I find I always move to slowly
Can't lift a finger, can't change my mind
I never knew till someone told me that...

If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind
Two points for honesty
It must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all

And all the people who've seen it all before
And all the people who really understand
Know they're right, and have done it right, could I get to be like that
I'll know what I don't know, it's harder everyday

Can't lift a finger, can't hurt a fly
I've found I always move too slowly
One things for certain, I'm insecure
I never knew till someone told me that....

If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind
Two points for honesty
It must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all

Nobody cares at all
They never care at all


Talk about timing...

Now that's the song that screams,"J-MEE!"

It smacked me right on the face...

Hope you get the idea...

BLANK

Just Another Post of the Fat Procrastinator

I see them, and all I feel is insecurity and envy. If only I could be where they are now. If I weren't lazy, procrastinating, and afraid of facing and doing the right things, I could have been like them, people who have the urge of moving their way to do what they want. What seems to be wrong? Why am I avoiding the things that I really want to do? When will I finally take that step and not just dare myself to do so? What am I so scared of?

So what now? Will I just get stuck with the habit of looking faults at other people to find pleasure, and when I can't see anything but greatness in them, I'll just whine and pity myself like what I'm doing now?

I know I'm doing something... well sometimes, damn I'm already exhausted with my idleness, and still, why can't I stop my being stuck-up all the time?

Oh when will that certain shade of green come?

Ang dami kong tanong...

What the hell, I'll TRY to get this over with once and for all...

It is waiting there
The substance that I lack of
And all I have to do is to take that first step
If only my foot weren't so heavy

GLOOMY SATURDAY

Bye Bye Friendster Blog

I just deleted my friendster blog.

I just have to do it because I can't find any reason why I should pursue in publishing blogs there, I have my blogspot which is more personalized and blog friendly, and don't you think one blog site is enough already? so I just have to end it with friendster Blog.

I really had some good times with that friendster blog, it opened me a new horizon to expand my worth. I've written entries there that represents my insights, experiences, realizations and many more, but i guess some things just have to end to begin a new one(drama, parang tao ang blog ah!)

Deleting my friendster blog was a tragedy. I know it's really hard to let go of something, but I just have to accept that choosing one means loosing one. I chose this blogspot over my friendster blog for a reason that... I don't know, bored lang cguro ako at kailangan may magawa ako kaya ko dinelete si friendster blog(Prang nagsisisi na tuloy ako).

Hay It's final na and there's no more turning back, All I have to do now is to bid goodbye to Friendster Blog...

Farewell jmeeakajho.blogs.friendster.com/myblog/, although our time has already ended, the memories we've shared will stay forever in my heart...

Ang drama ng lola mo, why make such a big fuzz over this friendster blog?

I think it was the hangover from an inuman/swimming last night that made me all corny mushy... sori naman!

HOW SINFUL AM I?

I found this at www.blogthings.com. Try it out, it's fun!

My Deadly Sins

Sloth: 60%

Gluttony: 20%

Lust: 20%

Pride: 20%

Envy: 0%

Greed: 0%

Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 17%

You will die while sleeping - and no one will notice.

It's actually 90% accurate... i love this!

Now all I have to do is to refrain myself from sleeping until I find someone who will sleep with me... gaga tanga, haha!

Now Click This Link To Find Out How Sinful Are You?

The weird dreams and the check-up

I'm writing again, hehehe! The feeling is still different, but I guess I can manage, I just have to keep up with the quote, "write to express and not to impress."


I've been getting weird dreams lately and I don't know why I get them...

What were the dreams about? Well, let's just say it's too graphic and disgusting for them to be made public.

Anyway, I finally went to that executive check-up my mom has been insisting me to do for weeks . It was ok, I had some blood works, chest x-ray, ultrasound (not that I have a baby or anything), and that oh- so cool stress test. The stress test is when you walk on a treadmill in three different stages; the normal walk, the brisk walk, and a kind of walk that makes you run already instead of walking. Your body also has chords and ''self-adhesive electrodes'' attached to it that are connected to a machine that measures the cardiovascular churva, or whatever you call it. I'm telling you, that stress test was a new experience for me. Especially the time when they made me take off my clothes beside a window where I can see all the people and the cars outside doing their thing (Later that I learned that the other side of that window is a one way mirror, like in the police movies). And yeah, how can I forget the time when the nurse barbarously ripped off the attached sticky gausses on my body, on my breasts to be exact (Sarap ng feeling, parang nag-wawax lang siya ng kahoy ah, grrr!).

In general, I guess the check-up turned out ok, I don't know the results yet but I assume that I only have minor complications (except for the probable effect of yosi). I still have to give my stool and urine sample to the laboratory, but since I don't have the urge to scrape my shit off my ass yet, I decided to re-schedule that exciting procedure. Oh well, let's just wait till the results come out...

Maybe it's the Stress test's fault why I've been getting weird dreams lately, hmm...

WRITER'S BLOCK?

Sa bawat lakas ng bugso ng emosyon
Siya ring pindot ko sa mga letra
Mga tekstong maghuhulma ng aking damdamin
Damdaming naipon na kailangan ng ilabas

Pero bakit hindi ko na magawa ngayon ito?

Sadya bang wala na kong maipahayag na emosyon, o akin nang napag-tanto na wala palang kabuluhan at patutunguhan ang aking ginagawang ito?

O siguro, ang ninanais ko lang ay ang pagkintal ng mga tao sa aking ginagawa at hindi talaga ang maipahayag ang aking nararamdaman...

At kung gayon lang pala ang aking adhikain, hindi ko na siya magawa ngayon...

Kailan uli maibabalik ang TOTOONG tulong na nagagawa sakin ng pagsusulat?

Feeling Makata mode talaga ako ngayon ah!

GRRR...

Ala-ala ng kahapon

Since I can't think of anything to write, I started to read my previous journal entries from my pc to get some ideas to write about...

In the end, none of my earlier blogs has given me something to write about, but I've found something that caught my attention... It's an entry I wrote last January...

I feel itchy... naligo naman ako.

Binabalikan na naman yata ako ng aking kahapon, baka kaya ako nangangati dahil sa pag-paparamdam niya, para siyang parasite na tumatamabay sa balat ko para gawin lang miserable muli ang buhay ko, at wala siyang alam na ginagawa niya ito sakin...

Pero di kaya ako ang parasite at siya ang host? hindi puwede! ako ang nangangati, at hindi siya!

Leche! Mag-kakamot na nga lang ako at matutulog na!

Haha! Funny that I felt that way when I was in the ugly stage of falling in love with a certain person, oh well... just reminiscing...


In the mood for love?

Oh, Love is everywhere again! I guess it has always been... happy in love here, heartbreaks there, bitterness on the left, craving for love everywhere, ... why do we give in to this stuff, affected by this thing in every way?

Hmmm, It seems that I'm looking again for that virus, the virus that will make me deaden my senses again, that bittersweet experience that always leaves me wounded, the state where you can't completely comprehend and define, the thing that I believe is called love.

Maybe i'm a sucker for love just like everyone else, although I'm aware that it will bring me pain sooner or later...

Oh the sweet revenge of suffering after a blissful experience... at least you felt blissful!


Heck, maybe I'm just in need for(wink)... hahaha!

...WALA DAW MAISULAT HA...

...

You'd done something
Something that you thought was liberation
It felt so good
But then you realized that not all can understand it
Then you feel like trash
A dirty piece of shit that deserves nothing but humiliation
So you begin to hide it
But you cant hide it, you just can't do it anymore

Now that's where you succumb yourself to the fucked-up machine called society...