I GUESS

Of all the things I've been doing in my life right now, such as reading books occasionally, writing my heart out, having a theatre organization, and more, I guess, I still can't be called as someone who does something in her life. Yeah, I think I'm still waiting for that certain shade of green that will make me move, I suppose when you are doing things, that doesn't mean you are really doing something, you are just moving.

I used to believe that what I've been doing all this time is far from my sloth self before, but now I think I just mutated myself to a sloth in motion, like an inflatable thing that just moves around, and that whatever you do to it, it just keeps on standing without any purpose. I'm not saying that reading, writing, and having a theatre org, is useless, I love those things, but it's just that I haven't done enough of the right things yet, It's like I've been avoiding the things that I should be doing.

I guess I'm still the same old sloth that I've been for the past 18 years...

When will it end?

MICASA SUCASA

I can still remember the time when Mingu said to me,"Micasa Sucasa!"...

The room was in heat
Everybody was moving so fast
doing things for the hibernated animal
The creature that will end it all for us

I can smell the stench of hostility that circulated around the kitchen, I can feel my existence being out of place, but still it didn't stop me from eating their food.
So I was sitting there, with mingu and edge, stuffing food in our mouths, food that we didn't get the chance to absorb the taste due to the assumption that we're being abhorred. But wait there's more! A song started to play and spread like a disease around the first floor of the house, the song that will trigger the beginning of the end... The song,"It's my party" by Leslie Gore, only the lyrics were slightly different...

It's my birthday and I'll whine if I want to,
Shout at my mom if I want to,
kick my sister's friends out of the house if I want to,

...Something like that...

Oh yes, we were repelled by the creature's peculiar roar, fear arose and caused tears to flood,our hearts were palpitating(I'm just exaggerating, hehehe! Pero somehow, ganun nafeel ko). The burst of emotions were not only caused by the creature's screech, but also because the idea of "nevergoingbacktomingu's" is beginning to materialize.

Mingu's house has been our second home ever since the kada was founded. Maybe that's the reason why the "incident" happened, it's because we got too relaxed at a home that is not ours in the first place, and the hibernated animal(Although we're not doing anything to him), has been the sign to evict ourselves from the place that's wrong for us right from the beginning(pero sabi nga ni norbex,"how can it be so wrong if it feels so right"

It was the end of it as we know it...


Many things have been smacked right in front of my face before, but this was different, and it will surely be remembered for a long time.


LESSON LEARNED:
There is no place like home
for in other homes, you'll never be welcomed by everybody
(Pero minsan kahit sa sarili mong bahay, di ka rin welcome diba? WA! Siguro wala akong natutunan, natrauma lang talaga ako!)


Well, as I always say,
Things will never be the same again...


Anyway, I'll be packing my bags tonight for I am going to Puerto Galera tomorrow morning! Wohoo! Beat that!

EGRESSION

Here's the thing

You can't force it to happen

You may have got it right before

But you could still be wrong the next time

Here's what you got to do

You don't have to do it as a need

You have to feel it, want it

Refrain from doing it all the time

Enjoy the absence so it would feel so blissful when you feel it again

Boredom is not the reason, but an adventure for bliss

Find comfort when doing it

Do it for yourself and not for others

The secret is to feel it and not do it to feel

Don't force it... take time... feel it... Love it... enjoy it...

GABI

Ilang oras ng binubuhos ang panahon
Sa mga hindi totoong pakiramdam
Para mai-ahon ang sarili sa kalungkutan
Dulot ng pag-iisa

Ilang madaling-araw narin ang aking nilagi
Nag-iisang inaantay ang bukang liwayway
Nangangarap na makasama ka
Hanggang sa pag-lubog ng araw

Buong araw nang nag-aantay
Sa bagay na maaring di kailanman makikita
Buong araw ng nag-aantay
Sa pag-ibig na maaring di kailanman makikita



Ilang madaling-araw narin ang aking nilagi
Nag-iisang inaantay ang bukang liwayway
Nangangarap na makasama ka
Hanggang sa pag-lubog ng araw

Buong araw nang nag-aantay
Sa bagay na maaring di kailanman makikita
Buong araw ng nag-aantay
Sa pag-ibig na maaring di kailanman makikita

Ilang oras nalang ang nalalabi
para sa isang panibagong umaga
na maaring hindi nanaman kita makita
Makikita pa rin kaya kita

Ayoko na... Ayoko na... Ayoko na... Ayoko na...

Buong araw nang nag-aantay
Sa bagay na maaring di kailanman makikita
Buong araw ng nag-aantay
Sa pag-ibig na maaring di kailanman makikita


Hindi kailangan mag-antay,hindi kailangan magkunwari
Wala rin kwentang pilitin ang sarili sa kasinungalingan para makaraos
ako'y haharap na sa bagong umaga
Kapiling ka man o hindi

LINGER

A monologue of a woman to the man she loves

I've been waiting here at the table, my dress all Glam, your food prepared, and my smile waiting for you.

But you were at her table, eating dinner and having fun, without even having thoughts on the glamorous dress that I'm wearing, or your favorite food that I've prepared, not even a tiny guilt on my smile that has been waiting for you ever since.

You were forever hers I know, but your presence, just your presence is all I need and is what I've always been longing for.

All my life I've caged myself to be with you, thinking that I belong to you, thinking that I could find happiness through you, It's love I suppose, If it wasn't love then I should have left a long time ago, instead of waiting here for you.

You said you'll be here, that's what keeps me on going you know, and that's what also makes me stupid, because I'm letting myself be inspired by your words that we both know were never true.

I've waited long, very long, so long that I just couldn't stop anymore. When will you come back?

I guess love could be so cruel sometimes, so cruel that it makes one feel so much tired of waiting but still, one just can't give up. Why is it like that? Is it because I've been waiting for such a long time that I can't stop?
All my life I've been waiting for happiness, now all I feel is pain but I can't stop anymore, I've been living my life this way for a long time that I don't want to know what will it be like when everything starts to change. Funny isn't it, that this painful feeling is what makes me alive, and perhaps, will make me lose my breath as well in time.

I guess nothing will change for I've decided that I just can't run away, give up, or be brave to go on. That's life I guess, or perhaps love, or maybe, it's just me.

Well, I'll just be here until the time of going home has arrived... me waiting here at the table, my dress all Glam, food prepared, and my smile waiting for you...