Ka- DIARYhan

Dear Diary,

Punyetang virus yan at kinain lahat ng files ko...

Lahat ng mga sinulat ko at ginawa kong kalandian, simula nung teeny bopper ako at poser hanggang sa feelingerong mature na ako at poser parin, ay wala na, nilamon na ng virus na yan na walang magawa sa buhay kungdi pakielamanan ang mga taong wala na mang ginagawa sa kanila... nananahimik tapos biglang gagambalain, mang-iiwan pa ng pakiramdam na talagang nakakasabaw sa utak, grrr(Virus parin ba tinutukoy ko?)!

Wala pa akong maramdaman, baka mararamdaman ko palang ang sakit ng pagkawala makalipas ng ilang panahon pa... pag hinahanap ko na siguro siya, pag napapansin ko nang may kakaiba na sa mga bagay na nakasanayan ko... yun na yun siguro... pucha talaga!

At ngayon, matapos ang mga viruses at mga pantasyang dissapointing, magkikita kami mamaya ng unang nag may-ari ng dissapointing na pantasya, hindi ko na alam kung anong mangyayari, pero siguradong kailangan kong buksan ang aking baol para humanap ng maskara...

pero till then...

Makikinig muna ako ng mga 80's music na nagbibigay ilusyon na nasa ibang panahon ako, at na pwede kong takasan ang mga nangyayari sakin ngayon...


To the virus who slaughtered my precious works of art,

To The dissapointing fantasy, and to the person who fisrt owned him

To Ming-ming, our buraot pussy cat who just experienced a bloodbath thanks to Dogo and Camry

May you all rest into pieces...

BUTTS

It wasn't love all this time.. but it was just curiosity that brought me here

And now..

I won't go back...

I won't push through...

But I will go on...

yet now with this...

but with the other things that curiosity will bring me...

though this time...

I'll bring rationality with me...

I can't get no satisfaction

I wrote this on March 19 of last year...

"Fantasies were never intended to be unleashed

They were only meant for the bounds of the mind

Where only you, holds the key to perfection

Where what others perceptions are not needed

Where you are not restricted, not punished, not given consequences

Maybe that’s why fantasies only stay on the frontiers of the brain

For it will never happen beyond where it resides

P.S. This think piece is for my fantasy

My heaven within, but my hell beyond

The perfect guy when resided in my mind

the man of my dreams

My desire and my love here within the boundaries of my soul that only I know of

For you are only scraps outside the world of reality..."

And now...

Thanks to fucking curiosity,

My fantasies were unleashed and got through the realm of reality


Yes it happened,

the man of my dreams and the scraps of reality... becoming one

oh yes...


REACTIONS

It wasn't perfect,
it wasn't dreamy or real

It's just an event that seems to be between dreaming and waking up,
or between drinking a lot of alcohol and throwing up... something in between...

I can't delineate


It felt good,
but it wasn't satisfying...


not really that bad,
just not what I expect it to be...


I guess the chase is over, the dream is over,
I guess it's just the chase all this time... or just the dreams


Fantasies were really never intended to be unleashed

They were only meant for the bounds of the mind

for in fantasies, I hold the key to perfection

And here in reality,

I wake up and realize that it's all just a dream,

that once you've realized your dreams, it can never be dreamt again...

or that it's just a one-time thing,

something that will never happen again...

or just something different


Maybe I was right... maybe I was right before...

Not that I was meant to be alone...

But maybe I'm the only one who can please myself...


O baka wala pa talaga...
there was just no love involved,
no assurances
no mutual feelings
none of that dreamy eklavu...

that I thought we had...

or maybe he's right,

I'm thinking too much...


That's what's wrong in expecting, you get disappointed...


Haay ewan...
Marami nga talaga akong iniisip...lalong sumasakit ulo ko...


The chase is over... the search to satisfy that curiousity has finally ended.... it didn't end in a bang or anything, nor it was completely finished, but I just have to stop this before I get to more complications. Though I think I got into one complication already, there's no turning back anymore, no regrets to ponder on for I did it by choice, and though it's a stupid thing to do... I had fun in a way and I guess it was something... kaya ngayon, bago pa humantong ang mga bagay sa mas malalang bagay, itatapos ko na... tapos na talaga... ayoko na... Sana... hindi... hindi sana... talaga!


Ok na toh... na-ilabas na...


Yosi na nga muna...